The Fake GM: Orlando Magic to Dwight Howard...F@ck You!

In my imagination, I am a connected, big shot type sports person. Today, I am the general manager for the Orlando Magic and the guy responsible for dealing with the f@cked up situation with Magic star center, D. White Howard. That isn't how you spell his name but f@ck you, this is my imagination.

First off, f@ck you Lakers. I am not dealing sh@t with you d@ck lickers. The Lakers (and more importantly, Laker fans) have a long brewing horsesh@t batch of NBA entitlement. Listen, just because your most recent franchise player, Kobe "Anal Probe" Bryant is getting old and sh@tty that his title days are over and D. White Howard is approaching free agency does not mean that you are entitled to take our star off of our hands for some sh@tty combination of Steve Blake and Metta World F@cking Peace. We will not be trading with you any mo'.

Here is what the Orlando Magic, under my authority as fake GM, will be doing with our star, D. White Howard. We are going to call his bluff. If Howard really does not want to be in Orlando. If he really thinks that it better for his bull sh@t "brand". And if he intends to leave for greener pastures...then we will be calling his bluff.

Of course, we aren't likely to publicly state such a thing. The official party line will be something to the effect of, "We are going to play out this season and then talk with D. White this off season about continuing our partnership and our pursuit of a championship for the city of Orlando."

That is our big type goal. To finally win the title that my predecessor (his name escapes me for the moment) failed to win with his star, the fat turd, Shaw Kilo Neal (that was a big stretch, I realize, but I am using a sort of homophonic device with players names as my hook for this post). Anything less than the pursuit of the NBA title is dogsh@t. Too many teams in the NBA aren't competing for a title but are simply competing to make a profit. They talk the game but the words lack passion. They lack desperation.

Under my watch, the Orlando Magic will be desperately fighting for a title. That is our move nnow. D. White will continue to be a Magic (Magician? Magicataur? Magicalian? Stupid f@cking name. If only I was the GM twenty five years ago then we would be the Orlando Sentinels or even the f@cking Mouses.) unless such time he decides to leave.

That begs the question, will he actually leave? D. White has not be definitive that he will absolutely leave. He wants to go to New York. He wants to go to Dallas. He wants to play with a great point guard in a new building Brooklyn. He wants to fly on the back of a giant winged aardvark to the groovy side of the moon to play pick up sticks with his estranged step-fairy-god-mother-in-law. He doesn't know what he wants, but I do.

D. White wants a lot of money. That is what everyone wants, no? He wants a lot of money and we can give him a lot more money than anyone else. That is what the lockout was about. That is what everybody wants. Superstars should want to stay with the team that they became stars with. They should want a championship caliber team to be built around them. Nobody wants to see D. White win his titles in f@cking Brooklyn, with the possible exception of a few Brooklynites (Brooklanders? Brookies? Brooklynianians? Sorry, another hook).

We are going to call his bluff. We will not trade him. We will finish this season. We will offer him a max deal to stay. And if he chooses to leave, we will let him go. We will watch him leave upwards of thirty million dollars on the table to leave Orlando (and our cheap land and no state taxes) for the dirty, noisy, ugly f@cking Brooklyn.

Not only is this the balls move by our franchise, this is the smart move. D. White is not walking away from that much money. Nobody walks away from that much money. We will look to add pieces for a title run this year. And if we happen to win a championship this year? (or at least come close) D. White may decide to stay because he loves it here or because he realizes that this is his best opportunity to win some titles or for all that extra money, we don't really care why.

Now, worst case scenario. D. White pulls a Leigh Brawn-James and walks away (I am aware that Leigh Brawn left via a sign and trade but this was only because the Cavs blinked) and leaves us seemingly with nothing. Really? Is that really nothing? We will begin our rebuilding phase by emptying our roster and bottoming out. This is the only way (besides the f@cking Lakers employing the league to arrange bullsh@t trades to bring them a steady stream of great players) to improve in the modern NBA.

There are only a handful (maybe 12-20 depending on your definition) of true stars in the NBA. Guys who truly can be called franchise guys. Guys who can truly remake the culture of a team and carry a franchise for an extended period of time. Those guys are not easy to get. If you aren't the Lakers (see my previous angry rant) then you can either try to buy one in free agency or you can draft one. That is pretty much all of your options.

The media seems bent on getting D. White into a major market. I think this is because the media members would rather live in New York, Dallas or Souther California than in our little Disney paradise. They all mutter the same non-sensical nonsense. We have to get something back for D. White. We can't lose him for nothing. Let's say for a moment that we do pull of something of a coup and get a player like the f@cking Laker's center Ann Droobynam (clearly getting lazy with my hook...time to wrap this up). Aren't we taking back a lesser more often injured version of the guy we already have? Are we really desperately pursuing a title if we pull this dogsh@t trade? Aren't we pretty much dooming ourselves to the ugly middle of the league?

Yes, that is exactly what we are doing. We will be dooming ourselves to the sad realm of the Indianapolis's and the Houston's of the NBA world. We will spend the next five years fighting for the right to an eighth seed and an early exit in the Eastern Conference playoffs. But, that isn't what we are going to do under my fake watch, dammit! We will be standing firm on our right to compete in this league. We will continue to sell D. White on his commercial viability in this on-line wired in world where geography means little and community means everything.

D. White Howard will be an Orlando Magical (shit....Magicitron? Magicalical?) until I am relieved of my imaginary post as the fake General Manager of the very real Orlando Magic.

Thank you all (except for the f@cking Lakers)